Your attention, please. Flight 217
from Venice, ltaly, now arriving at Gate 34.

Please claim all baggage
at carousel number two...

Hot! Hot!

I'll be by tomorrow for my stuff.

Call first, cos I might be having sex
with a complete stranger!

45 minutes for a cab. This is ridiculous.

Cheese and rice!

Boy, you got it in there, didn't you, honey?
Thank you so much!

I need a ride.

Get out of my way.

Get in!

Try and keep it on the road for a change.

- Can't you get it any closer?
- I don't wanna scratch the paint.

What do you do here, Tom Leezak?

Open the gate, Yuan.

You and Tom not together any more.

Just open the gate, Yuan!

That one looks heavy.

Get that junk wagon out of here.

Right away, princess!

Not one word.

- Are Mom and Dad home?
- No, they're at the Emphysema Ball.

Don't worry, Peewee.
We'll get this Tom mess cleaned up.

Sarah...

Kyle...

OK, I'm home, so you can
leave whenever you want.

This is Tom and Sarah.
We can't come to the phone

because we're honeymooning in Europe!

Send a large wedding gift,
or we won't call you back. I'm serious.

Kyle. I got your message.
Sorry the honeymoon sucked.

Anyway, don't wig. When you get back,
we'll do some Budweiser therapy.

Hi, Sarah, it's Peter.
I thought I might catch you in.

Tom, if you're listening, buddy,
I feel your pain.

- Where you been, man? You're on in five.
- I walked over. I had to clear my head.

So? What happened?

Well, I had the perfect relationship
that was ruined by marriage.

You saw it, right? We were perfect
from the minute we met. Right?

Yeah. In fact, it was nauseating.

Thank you, Fred.

Blue 28! Blue 28!

Set! Hut!

I'm open! I'm open!

Football!

Sorry!

Are you OK?

Yeah. You had nothin' on it.

Cheers, Sarah McNerney.

Cheers, Tom Leezak.

So, what do you do
when you're not Joe Montana?

I work at KNR Radio,

your traffic information station.

So I have myself a real live radio host?

No. Someday I'll be that guy.
Sports, hopefully.

Right now, I just do spot traffic reports.

On the graveyard shift. Every other week.

When the full-time guy's sick.

- You're that Tom.
- Yeah. You heard me on the air?

Yeah, I called in about a week ago.
Like, 3:00am.

You said the Pasadena freeway
was clear, so I took it,

and got stuck behind a jackknifed big rig
for, like, three hours. Yeah.

Sarah from Beverly Hills.

Who called me a fathead.

We got pretty heated.

Very heated.

So, 3am? That's past your bedtime, is it?

How do you know? I was wrapping out
an auction. I'm a gofer at Sotheby's.

Let me guess: marketing major, Stanford.
Smartypants in the front row.

- Art history major, Wellesley, back row.
- Oh, back row.

Sweet! Me too. Communications,
Burbank Community College.

- Wanna hear the fight song?
- No, thank you.

- I'm really good at it.
- No, really. Thanks.

That's a good choice.

McNerney.

You're not, by any chance,
the daughter of Dan McNerney,

part-owner-of-the-Lakers-and-Dodgers
McNerney?

I'll take that as a yes.

Ready to get your ass kicked at eight-ball?

You are dreaming, Wellesley.
I went to day care in a pool hall.

Pretty confident there, huh, fathead?

Bags, shh.

And that was it.
A month later, we moved in together.

Why did we get married when we had loving
each other so completely nailed?

I don't know. Ten seconds.

Why does anyone get married?

I mean, does it make sense to be
with one person for your entire life?

People change. They grow.

You're on, Tom.

Maybe we'd still be together if l'd
gotten the proposal right, but, nope,

the proposal is critical, and I blew it.

This is Tom Leezak
with KNR traffic at 2:06am.

At this hour, there are approximately
seven vehicles on all Southland freeways,

so if you feel like skateboarding
down the 405, she's wide-open.

Stay tuned for another
traffic update in ten minutes

on KNR, your traffic information station.

And we're out. Look here, Tom.
You gotta focus, all right, man?

Forget about proposals.
Forget about marriage. All right?

Bags...

Do you have to grunt all the time?
You're just like a little pig with hair.

Look at me.
I'm the cutest doggy in the world.

I'm the cutest doggy in the world. Throw
the ball for me. I'll pull on your leg all day.

Bags, seriously, I will...

Bags, I'm reading.

Fetch.

It wasn't like Bags to chase pigeons.

This pigeon was cruel. It was...

Bags, he just went for him.

He was taunting.

And squawking.

Squawking?

Squawking.

I mean, at first, it was more of a purring.

You know how they...
I mean, Bags... It got his attention.

He has a low tolerance for annoyances.

But then it turned into this, like, shrill...

You're lying.

- What?
- Your nostrils always flare when you lie.

Flare! Flare!

They're not flaring. I'm not lying.

Honey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm just really overwhelmed.

Promise we'll never lie to each other.

It's a promise.

I love you so much.

Listen, Sarah...

I wanna marry you, Tom Leezak.

I wanna marry you, too.

Why do you bring Dodge to front?
Park at service entrance!

Open the gate, Yuan.

Here we go!

Well, well, well...

What a surprise.

- Welcome to the family, Tom.
- Thank you, Mrs McNerney.

Oh, you can call me Pussy now.

Thank you, Pussy.

Well, wonderful. Wonderful!

Yuan, champagne for everybody!

Knock it off, Dickie!

Peewee. My youngest daughter.

You little rebel.

And you, Tom Leezak. You're...

Well, wonderful surprise.

Thank you, Mr McNerney.

I just hope that I can

be just all that I can be

in this family.

Well, I love Sarah.

That's all / need to know.

You really missed the boat,
didn't you, Prentiss?

Yes, I did, Dan.

You bet your ass you did.

I should've been courting Sarah instead
of putting in 19-hour days at the office.

Anyway, congratulations. To both of you.

Seriously, from my heart.

Thank you, Peter.

- You're a lucky man.
- Hey, I know that.

Grab a flute of bubbly and rise.

Everybody ready?

- Why is Peter Prentiss here?
- Dad's doing business with him.

All right. Health, wealth, happiness.

Health, wealth, happiness.

All right, Peewee. Ten-yard out.

Leezak, give me a five-yard slant.
You got this, man. Don't worry about it.

- Calm down.
- What do you mean, calm down?

Why do bad things happen to good people,
Father? Where's that in your book?

- She's determined.
- Not even Catholic!

- He's a Polack! A Polack.
- I know, and I warned you...

Let's see what Leezak's packing.

Ready? All right. And break!

- On one. Ready?
- Break!

You girls ready for this?

Down!

Set!

That was a hard one.

- Yeah!
- That's what I'm talkin' about!

- What are you doing, Willie?
- I slipped.

I still got my flag. I'm good. I'm good.

Oh, my Peewee. Always moving so fast.

You move in together after a month,
live together for nine months,

and now you're engaged.

I know you love him, but, you know,

sometimes it takes more than love
to sustain a marriage.

You need to be old enough
to know who you are

and what you want and who he is.

Oh, Mom, he's wild and spontaneous

and hysterical and offbeat,

and on top of all that,
he's centered, and he's down-to-earth.

He's everything I want. And we have
this passion for each other that's...

I'm jealous.

All right. First thing tomorrow,

we're gonna plan this wedding!

Hey, you.

So I guess everyone thinks
we're crazy for doing this.

Now when did we start caring
about what other people think?

Well, are you sure that you don't
wanna marry a guy like Peter?

If I wanted to know exactly what
my life would be from hereon out,

I would marry a guy like Peter.

But I love not knowing.

I love our messy loft, your beater car.

I wanna start a life with you.

Sarah?

Go! Go!

Hi, Daddy.

Peewee, marriage is like
a business investment.

Its long-term viability
is best established unemotionally.

Bottom line, Daddy: we love each other.
That is all that matters.

Good night, sir.

Congratulations, Mr Leezak!

Big Daddy Leezak's in the house!

Oh, I hope she doesn't spook on you, man.

What do you mean?

I love Sarah, don't get me wrong.
But rich chicks spook.

A powerful daddy plus family money
equals expectations.

Expectations are like
a fungal rot on a marriage.

Our marriage is not gonna have a fungal rot.

We're gonna be happily married
every day for the rest of our lives.

Unless she finds out
that you slaughtered her dog.

I'll take that to my grave.

OK, if you change your mind
at the altar, just pass out.

I'm not going to change my mind.

I'm just saying, if you do, just hit the floor.

Thank you. But it's not gonna happen.

You're sure you're ready
to give up your grazing rights?

I'm not a grazer, Kyle.

What if you became one later in life?

I mean, over the next ten years,
you're giving up five hayrides per year.

So I can either be happily married
to Sarah, or have 50 one-night stands.

- Minimum.
- That's not even a choice.

OK, let's move on.

Are there any chicks you didn't have
that you wish you had?

You are, like, the worst best man ever!

Peter!

I can't believe she invited Prentiss.

- Glad you made it, buddy.
- Hey, man.

Did she ever hook up with that yahoo?

They went backpacking in Europe once,
just after high school.

I don't think anything happened.

Whoa. You're getting married,
and she didn't share the roster?

She shared the roster.

Merrick and Bruce.

What about Prentiss?

And you never asked again?

I won. It's irrelevant.

Oh. OK. As long as you're OK
with a bogus roster.

- It's not a bogus roster!
- Is he on or is he off?

He's...

- Shut up.
- Huh? Huh?

And you could've had Peter.

I did have Peter, and it wasn't that hot. OK?

Excuse me?

I was in Seattle, helping at an appraisal.

Ran into Peter. We went out.
I drank way too much,

and before I knew it, we tussled.

You bad girl.

I wanted to tell Tom so many times,
but he gets so jealous.

Listen, it doesn't matter
that he doesn't know.

It's not like you were married,
and even if you were...

No, no, no. It matters to me.

It's like living a lie. I cannot live a lie.

There will always be this
big fat elephant in the room with us.

Listen, Peewee, never tell him.

It's time to go, Sarah.

Come on.

- Got everything?
- Yes.

How are you holding up?

Pussy's a mess.
I'm telling you now, be prepared.

Wait.

- Oh, are you OK?
- Yes.

- Are you all right?
- I'm fine.

This threshold thing isn't as easy as it looks.

Daddy got the big suite! Yeah, he did!

We're really married.
We're really, really married.

For ever and ever.

Do you feel like it?

I don't know. Do you?

I'm kinda tired.

Me too.

- I mean, hey...
- OK.

What's the matter?

It's our wedding night,
and we don't wanna have sex.

No... Well, it's OK.

We're tired. It's fine.

Baby, it's just that this is our wedding day,

something I've fantasized
about my whole life.

And now it's over.

Did you have wedding fantasies
when you were a little boy?

Kinda.

Oh, honey.

Oh, my God! Tomorrow my parents
are gonna know I'm not a virgin any more!

Oh... You haven't been
a virgin since college.

I know. I know. But tomorrow they're
gonna know for sure that I'm not a virgin.

And they're gonna know
that you deflowered me. Oh, God! Oh, no!

- Oh, honey!
- Deflowered?

That's what my mom always called it.
My mommy.

I love you. OK?

And we have our entire lives to have sex.

So it's OK if we don't do it tonight.

Now I kinda feel like it.

- Really?
- Yeah.

That was a sexy speech.

I, you know, turn it on
every once in a while.

Oh, bloody nose! Bloody nose!

Oh, hello, hello! Hello, hello!

Here you go.

You've been mine for one night,
and you're falling apart already.

I'm not gonna have to trade ya in, am l?

There you go. Just like that.
It'll stop the bleeding.

I look like a chimp.

You look gorgeous.

Let's go to sleep.

- I love you.
- I love you, too, baby.

Sweetie, our plane leaves in an hour.

OK, so that wasn't
the smoothest start to a honeymoon.

But tomorrow we will be at the foot
of the Alps at the Hotel des Reves.

- Yes, we will.
- lt'll be totally perfect.

Yes, it sounds totally perfect.

But I can't wait until then.

Jimmy-crack-corn!

Close it, bitch!

There's a lock on the door
for a reason, Junior.

I'm claustrophobic, OK?

Do we have a problem?

- No.
- No, no problem.

- We're just waiting.
- Yeah.

Mexican food. That's an oxymoron.

Sweet Lord! Where does that come from?

- Let's just wait.
- Oh, my gosh.

..has turned on the "fasten seat belt" sign.

Kindly return to your seats.

OK... Breathe through your mouth.
Breathe through your mouth.

- No, it's really bad.
- Just do it!

Hurry up!

OK, OK, let me just...

This is gonna work. This is gonna work.

- I'm gonna step on the toilet.
- OK, perfect.

- What?
- The crapper's got my foot.

- Wait. Let me help.
- Sarah...

OK, OK, one, two, three.

Return to your seats.

- Be right out. OK, you OK?
- Yeah.

OK, wait. OK, one, two, three.

Return to your seats now, please.

Beat it, stew!

Return...

Playtime is over, children.
Return to your seats! Do you hear me?

- Let's flush it.
- I'll pull.

I can't get it out!

The captain has turned on
the "fasten seat belt" sign!

Wait, wait, wait. Here.
Ready? One, two, three.

- We can tell the grandchildren about that.
- Great story for the kids.

- Bonjour.
- How you doing, chief?

Can we get /e car for Leezak?

Bonjour. Les reservations sont pour Leezak.

Oui, mademoise//e.

- You never told me you spoke French.
- It was that summer I went to Europe.

Ah, here we are. For Mr and Mrs Leezak.

Must be some mistake, no?

No, no mistake. Mr and Mrs.

What the hell?

- These sports scores are two days old.
- So?

So? You know if I don't have
an up-to-date sports section,

it throws off my day,
starting with my morning dump.

Honey, there's gonna be
satellite TV in the hotel.

Voi/a.

Ah. I wonder what kind of wheels we got.

I'm telling you, this is not the car.
I ordered a compact.

This is a European compact.

This is a Ringling Brothers compact.
I've owned bigger Tonka trucks.

Honey, I looked at the brochure,

and there was a Fiesta
on the cover, not a Bingo.

Baby needs a great big car
to make him happy?

We could really use a Dodge about now.

We could really use a Dodge about now.

What was that?

You just sound so American.

We could use a Dodge about now.

While I'm makin' a doody,
can you hand me my sports section?

Thank you very much, ma'am.

Are you mocking me?

No. Baby, just floor it.

I am flooring it. If I pushed any harder,
my foot would blow through the floor,

and we'd be Flintstoning there.

Whoa, turn here!

- You OK?
- Yeah. You?

If you'd told me about the turn before, l
wouldn't have had to pull such a maneuver!

I was busy looking at the map!
Somebody had to navigate.

Listen to us. We sound
like an old married couple.

Never again.

Just for the record, why did l
almost get us killed back there?

Because that's our hotel.

- It looks like a castle.
- It is a castle.

Then that's precisely why it looks like one.

Let's go.

This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Let's go.

Look, baby, look. It comes with free nuns.

- Vous etes Americains?
- Oui.

Welcome to Hotel des Reves.
I am Henri Margeaux.

Nous sommes Sarah et Tom Leezak.

- Leezak, no!
- Oui.

- The honeymooners?
- Oui.

- No!
- Oui. Why?

So fresh and young to have marriage, no?

No. We're married.

I almost forget.

Ooh, presents.

"Congratulations.
Have a wonderful honeymoon. Love...

Peter."

That's a platonic "love."

Forget about Peter.

Here. Please enjoy.

Room, all upstairs.

Francois, /es bagages, en haut.
Tout de suite, s'i/ vous p/ait.

Tell me this isn't your fantasy.

This is better than my fantasy.

Good, cos we're paying out the ass for it.

Honey, just for the record,
when you talk about money,

especially it coming out of your heinie,
it sort of kills the romance of the moment.

Right. Sorry.

Now fight your deep urge to be cheap,
and give the bellboy a large tip.

All right.

- Hey, do you guys provide satellite TV?
- TV in bar.

- So there's no TV in this room?
- TV in bar.

- Ask him if they have ESPN.
- Pour /'amour de Dieu.

Je /ui ai dit, a monsieur,
que /a te/e est dans /e bar.

Je crois que sa femme n'est pas vous.
C'est /a te/e.

He said the TV's in the bar.

He also said that if he were here with me,
he wouldn't be concerned with TV.

He makes a point.

- I gotta call Mom and Dad.
- Talk about killing the romance.

I told them I'd call. It'll just take a minute.

Hi, Mom? It's Peewee.

Say hi to Pussy for me.

Tom says hello.

Yeah. Oh, it's so great.

"To Tom and Sarah.
Enhance thy honeymoon. Love, Kyle."

I'll call you later, Mom. Bye.

Cheese and rice.
Is that a Thunderstick A200?

Since when did you become an expert?

- I told you about that night I had in college.
- Not about the hardware.

Getting a visual?

We gotta charge this thing.

- That plug won't fit in a European outlet.
- I'll make it fit.

Come on.

Don't force it.

Are you OK? Are you OK?

Holy dude Jesus. Good thing that
didn't happen when we were using it.

Oh, God.

A//ez dans /a cour,
s'i/ vous p/ait, tout de suite.

Come on! Come on, Thunderstick!

- Oh, no. OK, just leave it.
- Let's go, let's go, let's go.

My grandparents
installed the wiring in the hotel

before World War First!

It worked fine, until you young kids had
to bring out your toys and ignore the sign!

That is the...

- That's in French, for chrissakes.
- That's because we're in France.

- Is there anything we could do?
- Pay the damages.

Hold on there, Jacques.

Je m'appe//e Henri Margeaux.

Whatever! Look, this hotel gets
guests from all over the world.

It's your responsibility
to put American on your signs.

He means English.

I'm trying to negotiate.

So I must make my hotel of dreams

Iike every Howard Johnson's,
with a bright orange roof?

- It wouldn't hurt.
- /mbeci/e de cochon d'Americain.

- Cochon what?
- Stupid American pig.

Well, I guess that makes you
a stupid French frog!

Oh, yeah. I said it. Frog!

Get out of my Hotel des Reves!

I wouldn't stay in this dump if you paid us!

- Let's go to the Ho Jo's.
- There are no Ho Jo's here.

Sarah, please!

There is a farm up the road.
And they have a nice pigsty for you!

Yeah? Maybe they'll have
a nice little bulldozer,

and we can finish this place off, tough guy!

And the credit bill will be
a fat one, Mr Tough Guy!

Yeah? Well, we're keeping the champagne
and the cheese, Jacques-strap!

Let's go, honey.

What's wrong?

Where are we gonna stay, Tom?

Don't worry. This is a vacation zone.
We'll find a place.

Now get your shit. Let's go.

What's the next place?

The next hotel with no vacancy
would be Schloss Hilliger Winterswald.

- How far is it?
- 120 kilometers.

In miles, please!

74.4. You multiply by 0.6.

- I'm learning so much.
- Oh, me too. Me too.

Let me guess...

This is great. This is just what we need.

- Do you want me to drive?
- Honey, I can drive in the snow.

Turn off your brights, jackass!

Great. Now we get to freeze to death.

Look, we'll just... We'll sleep in here
and we'll dig out in the morning.

I'm so glad I get to hear the phrase
"We'll dig out" on my honeymoon.

Just get it over with now and blame me.

If you hadn't insulted Henri, we wouldn't
be spending the evening in a snowball.

I'm sorry. Next time, I'll try to be a little
bit more refined like your friend Peter.

- Good night, Tom.
- Good night, Sarah.

Are you gonna hate me for ever?

I don't know.

Wanna get drunk and make out?

Well, that's not gonna get me drunk,
but we could make out.

We could get injured doing this.

I'll settle for a cuddle.
Just let me get the shifter out of my ass.

Sarah... It's morning.

Oh, my God.

- Oh, my...
- Oh, my God.

It's incredible.

- Let's just stay here for the rest of the trip.
- Fine with me.

- Hey! Help!
- Excuse me!

Blue car, blue car!

It worked.

We can catch the two o'clock train to Venice
and go straight to the Gianna.

- Our reservation isn't until Tuesday.
- So we'll stay a few extra days.

I just put a castle on my credit card.

We can't afford to stay at the Gianna
for a few extra days.

So I'll call my dad up,
and he'll lend us the money.

No, there's no way
I'm taking money from your dad.

Pride is the crutch of the insecure.

You are not taking the money.
I am taking the money.

No, we don't need to take the money.
This is about us now.

My dad told me about this
nice little pensione in Venice...

Pensione?

- Grobes Scheibhaus.
- Excuse me.

Could you just drive?

Please just let me call my dad.

No! This is our honeymoon, not his.

So it's fine to stay at a pensione
that yourfather recommended?

We're staying at the Pensione Funicello,
and we'll have a good time.

I can't take this any more! Honeymoons
are supposed to be all champagne

and room service and lovemaking!
We haven't made love!

No. What do we get?
We get evicted from a five-star hotel

and, to boot, I'm yelling at you!
We're yelling at each other.

We're not yelling at each other. I'm
the one yelling. I'm sorry, I wanna go home.

Maybe we should go home.

I know this honeymoon hasn't been perfect,

but I'm sure the pensione is gonna be fine.
Look, we'll check in, sleep late,

eat pasta, gaze out at the Piazza del...

something-something.

It's gonna be heaven.

Pensione Funicello?

Are you sure?

How bad could it be?